New Year’s Revolutions By Ranting 92.5-Year-Old

I won’t actually make resolutions this year, especially knowing I’d break them all within hours. So I resolve to list my most virulent old man rants to welcome in that diapered little wise-ass Year 2018.

Sexual harASSment: More and more of those horny male politicians and movie moguls are finally being outed for their creepy grabbing of females, children and/or other males. But if sex is so terrible and we’re punishing every sexual sinner, will we have to stop copulating and end repopulating the human race?

Distressed Jeans: Why people, particularly pretty young women, buy jeans with rips and worn-out knee holes is beyond my ken. Obviously and idiotically, the fashionably torn jeans cost much more than whole ones. ($250 Neiman Marcus vs $37.46 American Eagle) Hell, I wore distressed jeans as a kid during the depressing 1930s. Of course, I didn’t realize how cool I looked, along with my fashionably ragged shirt and holey shoes.

Smartphones: Just a few years ago, anyone mindlessly wandering the streets and sidewalks talking and staring at little boxes was considered a nutcase. Unfortunately, today’s clueless nutcases also drive cars blindly with the same stupid smartphone insanity.

War: After Navy service in two 20th Century wars, it took me decades to finally realize that war is the most idiotic self-destructive act humanity does to itself. And we never seem to realize it as we continue to find more and bigger murder plans by giving teenage boys uniforms, arm them with lethal weapons, from bayonets to nuclear bombs, and send them out to kill each other.

Immigration: More than a century ago, my mom and dad came to America legally as poor immigrant children. They fought poverty and prejudice, and gave their own kids opportunities to rise above it all. The current immigration situation is not that different, and I hope critics and advocates can get together to solve the problems in a positive way for all concerned, including the fence-jumpers and river swimmers.

Commercials: Just when you’d think they’ve reached their annoyingly intrusive peak on TV, my computer and smartphone get overwhelmed with even more obnoxious garbage. When clicking into a news site, the screen is immediately covered with unwanted, unending ads. It’s as offensive as some greedy idiot deliberately blocking your view of the sunset to peddle his wares.

How many times an hour must we watch repeats of the wise-ass insurance lizard, crooked cash-back car pitchers, fake miracle drug panderers and hair gel pushers? And unending ads for that TV cable service with a name that appropriately now rhymes with rectum.

Do they actually believe that after we’re exposed to the exact same disgusting ads repeatedly hundreds of times, our feeble brains will be washed enough so we’ll run out and buy their useless crap?

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