Tag Archives: Bill Clinton

Scientists Claim They’ll Create Human-Sheep Hybrids

With all the mad scientists in their labs who originated such strange creatures as Frankenstein, Kong and Dracula, it’s just a matter of time before they come up with sheeple. Of course, this could also result in a rush of volunteers to test the attractive females of the new species.

Some famous people who are having legal troubles because of their relationships with female humans may be first in line to test the hot new hybrids. Are you listening: Donald Trump, Bill Cosby, Harvey Weinstein, Bill Clinton, David Letterman and Ben Affleck? They’ll say it’s not such a baaaaad idea. Ref:

Voters Loved Generals, Now It’s Show Biz Stars

Remember when you managed to stay awake in U.S. history class? The obvious fact was that many early Presidents had been Army generals. Starting with George Washington, then on to Andy Jackson, Zachary Taylor, William Henry Harrison, U.S. Grant and Ike Eisenhower. Of course, Teddy Roosevelt was only a colonel, but his heroic charge up San Juan Hill soon got him elected, too.

However, for the past 40 years or so, celebrity got most presidential wannabes into the White House. It started with Jack Kennedy, and although he had been a lowly Navy lieutenant, his World War 2 heroism and movie-star looks combined to start the trend we’re in today.

Bill Clinton, who actually marched against the Vietnam War, also had the young politician glamor. And, of course, he also exhibited some of the Kennedy extra-marital wanderings. And Ronald Reagan, who served as a recruiting officer in World War 2, got into the White House because of his actual movie star personality.

Then, along came Trump, with two positive features that appealed to celebrity-crazed voters. Not only did he host his own TV show, but he also brought a lifetime of slightly nefarious, but very successful business dealings. And he barely beat out the first woman candidate for the presidency, none other than the faithful wife of a previous predatory president.

And now, rising fast in the ranks for future presidential candidates is Oprah Winfrey. She brings to the fray several powerful attributes. She’s talented, black, female, wealthy and a huge show biz star. And in spite of her billions in the bank, she’s a liberal Democrat. OK, so she’s never been a general nor queen of Ancient Egypt, but what could possibly go wrong in the Electoral College for her vs Trump in 2020?

What If History Were To Be Relationship Corrected…

These days it seems just about every physical contact between men and women leads to sensational news and enriched lawyers. Therefore, let’s go back poetically to historically famous couples who could have had different relationships in today’s sanitized, inter-sexual behavior:
To Adam from Eve: Get your dirty hands off my cleave.
Cleopatra to Caesar: Marc Anthony is a better pleaser.
Juliet to Romeo: Get thee away from me, thou homeo!
Ann Boleyn to Henry the King: Because of you my head went zing!
Josephine to Nappy: Go to Waterloo if it’ll make you happy.
Victoria to Albert: Restrain those princely hands, you pervert!
Scarlett to Rhett: Frankly, my dear, I wouldn’t have you on a bett!
Bonnie to Clyde: Is it safe to go on that one last car ride?
Hillary to Billy: I’d be President if you hadn’t behaved so silly!
To Donald from Melania: When you grope other women, I go insania!

Sexual Harassment Craze Inspires Poetic Idiocy

Matt Lauer needs a cold shower.
Harvey Weinstein crossed that fine line.
Charlie Rose actions offend the nose.
Al Franken did some heavy skankin’.
Louis C.K. exposed his c…k.
Jeffrey Tambor attempted to score.
Kevin Spacey groped too much lacey.
David Letterman should’ve been a better man.
Bill Clinton wasn’t just hintin’.
Donald Trump caressed many a rump.

Win Or Lose: Politicos Make Millions As Orators

Are you watching Hillary pitch her book on all the network news shows? She’s great! Gotta hand it to her! In fact, whatever she does these days gotta result in her greedy hand out for mucho dinero.

Her regular charge for making a 30-minute speech is $250k, plus travel, hotel and other expenses. Go for it, Hillary! Even grossly overpaid pro sports jocks squat down on one knee in jealous respect for her cash-earning abilities.

And to make sure dire poverty doesn’t overwhelm the Clinton household, Bill gets the same amount as wife Hillary for his speeches. Poor Chelsea charges only $65,000, but hey, give her time to learn the trade. She hasn’t done anything scandalous yet.

In case you’re looking for a greedy politician to give a speech at your next church or Kiwanis Club meeting, consider others and their modest fees: Mitt Romney $68k, Newt Gingrich, Dick Cheney $75k, Sarah Palin $100k, Rudy Giuliani $100k, Condoleezza Rice, George W. Bush, Colin Powell $150k, Arnold Schwarzenegger $250k and bargain barker Donald Trump $400k.

And don’t fret about ex-prez Barack Obama. Not to be outdone by the new White House resident, he also grabs $400k.

O.J. Simpson To Walk Free After 9 Years In Jail

He was acquitted in one of the most notorious murder trials in U.S. history in the 1990s. However, the former football star was later convicted and imprisoned for a strong-arm robbery in Las Vegas.

Now, after serving nine years in a minimum-security Nevada jail, within a couple of months, O.J. will walk free. Of course, the heavy suspicion that he killed his wife and her friend will never be lifted from his now 70-year-old shoulders.

As a parolee, it isn’t likely O.J. will need to stand in a bread line and spend nights sleeping on the street. He’s already swamped by speaker bookers and reality TV offers. At what could be $50k or more per performance, he can spend his sunset years in comfort.

Since the days of vaudeville when parent killer Lizzie Borden performed, other notorious people have made money on stage. Consider some of the current crop, including Sarah Palin, Al Gore, the Kardashians, Hillary and Bill Clinton. Soon O.J. will join them in the lucrative speech and TV racket.

What If Earlier Presidents Could Tweet On Twitter

Donald Trump is the first to use Twitter daily to let everyone know what he’s doing, thinking or disliking. Just suppose what other Presidents would do if they had the same opportunity:
George Washington: One more joke about my wooden teeth and I’ll wig out.
Millard Fillmore: If I’d been able to tweet, I’d be the most famous President ever.
Abe Lincoln: I don’t care what the critics say about the play, I’m going to Ford’s Theater tonight.
Teddy Roosevelt: Wait for my tweet before you guys charge up San Juan Hill.
Woodrow Wilson: I’m declaring war on Germany, and I promise, this will be the war to end all wars.
Richard Nixon: I am not a crook! I just tweet like a crook.
Bill Clinton: I did not commit tweet with that woman.
Franklin D. Roosevelt: We have nothing to fear except fear itself. Unless some blustering guy with orange hair becomes President.

Vive Le Presidente! Er, Is That Yo Momma?

And you thought Trump and the Clintons are freaky? The new president of France, Emmaneul Macron is a handsome age 39, with a fluffy hairpiece that makes him look like a reincarnation of young Jack Kennedy. By his side as he begins his rule, we’d expect to see a glamorous 20ish Jackie look-alike first lady of France.

However, unlike Donald and Bill, infamous for chasing younger women, Macron has reversed the tradition. He’s married to his former high school teacher. She’s 64, some 24 years older than the new president of France. In the US, she could have been charged with criminal sexual misconduct with her then-17-year-old student. Brigitte Macron has three adult kids from a previous marriage who are close to their stepfather’s age, and are parents of seven of Brigitte’s grandkids.

So, cheer up all you ladies at the local nursing home. Keep looking out the window, and maybe some day, a handsome young politician may come riding by on his white horse and sweep you up to Elysée Palace.

Crazy Season Of Insane Winners & Losers Continues

The idiocy started in November. Hillary won the popular vote for President, but the Electoral College yo-yos sent the Donald to the White House.

The Atlanta Falcons were beating the hell out of the New England Patriots until the final seconds of the Super Bowl. Then their football dreams were deflated by Tom Brady’s inflated ego.

Last night, after three TV hours of intense Academy Award boredom, ancient Hollywood has-beens Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway staggered to the stage and opened the wrong envelope. Squinting with elderly myopic eyes, they announced the best picture Oscar for La La Land instead of the actual winner, Moonlight.

What’s next for the shocked American public? The Kardashians will find religion and donate all their money to the Salvation Army. Millions of unhappy, undocumented American families will cross the border to seek sanctuary in Mexico. Iran and North Korea will scrap their nuclear bomb plans and offer endless Love America parades.

President Trump will appoint Hillary Clinton ambassador to Outer Mongolia. Bill Clinton will accompany her, take a pledge of chastity and join an order of Mongolian monks. As long as there’s a weirdo Hollywood and screwed-up politics, the list will go on and on.

Flash Report: Internet Loaded With False News Sites

The breaking phony stories look real, and millions of people believe them. Therefore I’m starting my own fake news site with the following top ten dramatically untruthful headlines of today:
Santa Claus Leaves Coal In Hillary Clinton’s Stocking
Santa Claus Leaves Girl In Bill Clinton’s Stocking
President Trump To Install Slot Machines In The White House
Justin Bieber Signed By The Met To Sing Bieber Of Seville
The Former Bruce Jenner Marries Himself To Herself
Kim Kardashian Has Butt Surgery To Remove Kanye West
Colin Kaepernick Stands On One Leg For National Anthem
Ex-President Barack Obama Hired As Golf Pro
Vlad Putin Invades Cuba And Captures Castro’s Ashes
ISIS Terrorists Renounce Violence And Become Quakers