At a recent news session, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said God wanted Donald Trump to become President. So that means He created Trump Towers in seven days, and the Electorial College is now a religious shrine to be renamed Seminary of Saint Donald of Wall Street. (With apologies to Michelangelo)
In a recent TV interview, the First Lady had a response that would have made all stand-up comedians proud. When asked about women claiming they were sexually-assaulted, she replied they first must prove hard evidence.
She could’ve followed up to the interviewer with, “Is that a microphone in your hand, or are you glad to see me?” And just maybe, “Yes, we have pussy cats in the White House. The president shows his love by frequently grabbing them.”
My famous words: Always remember, even the noblest of us all always must find bathroom relief:
John Paul Jones: I have not yet begun to fight. First I need to use the ship’s head (toilet).
Teddy Roosevelt: Charge! The enemy charges you to use the toilet!
Washington: I’m standing up in the boat because I need to pee into the river.
Emerson: Hitch your wagon to a star, and hitch your pants up after you go.
Napoleon: An army travels on its stomach and then its bladder and bowels.
Edmund Burke: The only way for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing, then sneakily climb into the stall to go free in a pay toilet.
Donald Trump: When somebody challenges you, fight back. Be brutal, be tough and force your way into the toilet stall first.
As we celebrate this patriotic holiday, it also honors our president for his valor and outstanding combat qualifications from 50 years ago. Following military high school, by 1968 he was proudly draft-dodging around the campus of the University of Pennsylvania as a grad student at the Wharton School of Business.
Of course, if any members of the draft board were nearby then, they’d see that he had a sudden limp due to alleged bone spurs on one of his gastrocnemius muscles. He also had applied for and received four non-medical student draft deferments. With a heavy heart, he was physically and emotionally unable to serve in what he now calls “our great military”.
Therefore, to mark the holiday would he order a heroic statue of himself as a bemedalled Commander in Chief Donald Trump to be erected by the Vietnam War Memorial in Washington DC? Warning: don’t any of you disrespectful combat vets and Gold Star families dare to try to tear it down by its bone spurs!
After shaking hands and patting backs, U.S. President Trump said of North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Un, ”I learned that he’s a very talented man. I also learned that he loves his country very much. He has a great personality and is very smart.”
Hey, Mr. President. Aren’t you forgetting a few teeny details about that noble leader? Kim gets rid of relatives and generals by blasting them with anti-aircraft guns. North Korean prisons are full of political protesters. Dying American college student Otto Warmbier was sent home from North Korea after a year of torture. And what about returning the USS Pueblo Kim’s equally evil daddy stole 50 years ago?
And let’s be realistic about the tubby dictator. He didn’t suddenly turn from bad guy to good guy. Despite all the phony promises, you can be sure Kim will continue to develop nuclear weapons. With his fat finger on the button, he could launch one at any time “the very talented man” goes even more insane with power.
He squeaked by with only 75% of the vote. The losing candidates wanted to congratulate President Vladimir, but cellphones don’t work from deep inside Siberian coal mines. He did get a one-word note from Chinese President-For-Life Xi Jinping: Amateur!
This is Putin’s fourth six-year term, and he has hinted that he may retire when it ends in 2024. U.S. President Trump is considering going to Moscow and celebrate the election win with his good pal, Vlad. However, it’s still winter weather in Russia, and Trump’s advisors have warned him not to get involved in another Stormy situation.
Every day it seems our noble leader of the free world is getting himself into more trouble because of his sexual misbehavior. Is he the first to turn the White House into a house of ill repute? How do the scandal sheets love them? Let me count the (alleged) ways.
Tom Jefferson had children with his slave, Sally Jennings.
Andy Jackson married his wife, Rachel, before her divorce was final.
James Buchanan had homosexual affairs.
Grover Cleveland had an out-of-wedlock child.
Warren Harding had two mistresses.
Franklin D. Roosevelt had Lucy Mercer and several others.
John F. Kennedy had many affairs, including with Marilyn Monroe.
Ronald Reagan dumped his first wife, movie star Jane Wyman, for Nancy.
Bill Clinton was the first President impeached for his sexual misconduct.
Do you believe Abe Lincoln was misquoted at Gettysburg when he said: I scored with four women seven years ago.
Remember when you managed to stay awake in U.S. history class? The obvious fact was that many early Presidents had been Army generals. Starting with George Washington, then on to Andy Jackson, Zachary Taylor, William Henry Harrison, U.S. Grant and Ike Eisenhower. Of course, Teddy Roosevelt was only a colonel, but his heroic charge up San Juan Hill soon got him elected, too.
However, for the past 40 years or so, celebrity got most presidential wannabes into the White House. It started with Jack Kennedy, and although he had been a lowly Navy lieutenant, his World War 2 heroism and movie-star looks combined to start the trend we’re in today.
Bill Clinton, who actually marched against the Vietnam War, also had the young politician glamor. And, of course, he also exhibited some of the Kennedy extra-marital wanderings. And Ronald Reagan, who served as a recruiting officer in World War 2, got into the White House because of his actual movie star personality.
Then, along came Trump, with two positive features that appealed to celebrity-crazed voters. Not only did he host his own TV show, but he also brought a lifetime of slightly nefarious, but very successful business dealings. And he barely beat out the first woman candidate for the presidency, none other than the faithful wife of a previous predatory president.
And now, rising fast in the ranks for future presidential candidates is Oprah Winfrey. She brings to the fray several powerful attributes. She’s talented, black, female, wealthy and a huge show biz star. And in spite of her billions in the bank, she’s a liberal Democrat. OK, so she’s never been a general nor queen of Ancient Egypt, but what could possibly go wrong in the Electoral College for her vs Trump in 2020?
Trump said, ”Why do we want all these people from ‘shithole countries’ coming here?” So President Teddy could have griped, “Those shanty Irish, Italian Dagos, ugly Polocks, dirty Jews and heinie Krauts will just make the USA into a stinking shithole!”
No matter the political party, American voters in at least the past several decades have managed to elect the worst candidates. And that certainly includes the most recent election, where both were about as qualified as Donald Duck. Maybe some of it is my own reaching of advanced old age and realizing that everyone, great or insignificant, is a flawed human. And some, very flawed.
Consider the Presidential line-up, starting with Nixon, and on through Johnson, Carter, Reagan, Clinton, Ford, the Bush boys, Obama and, now, Trump. Nixon resigned in shame. Johnson and Carter were both good ole Southern boys, and their frequent mistakes clearly illustrated their flaws.
Reagan was a movie actor playing out the script, while Clinton spent most of his time just playing out. Ford was President for what seemed like a short weekend, and barely managed to stumble through the White House. Well, at least his First Lady created the Betty Ford Clinic.
The Bush daddy lasted one term, while his son made his two tiresome terms seem like six. And then we had Barry the Barrier Breaker, who went directly from lowly Chicago social worker to the White House because it was time for a color change there.
Now we’ve elected the guy who reminds us of every used car salesman, snake oil barker and casino pit boss we ever met. Also, if you’re up on all the current news, you know the growing anti-Trump mob is lighting torches and grabbing their pitchforks. And with some of his formerly close pals waving the biggest torches, who knows what will happen. Is the name President Pence being whispered today in both Democrat and Republican headquarters?