Tag Archives: Kardashians

Oxford U Prof Says Space Aliens Breed With Humans

According to research, they’ve adapted their appearance to look like Earth humans, and have been here for at least several centuries. The aliens are very careful to keep their identities secret, but scientific studies may soon reveal them, reports the professor.

There’s already evidence of alien breeding on Earth that the space visitors have produced other-worldly hybrid humans. For example, there are those alien-looking rock musicians with wild blue hair, nose and ear rings and spaced-out tattoos.

Consider Asian and Russian dictators with bad haircuts. Observe American politicians who promise voters the Moon, but deliver empty space. And, of course, there’s the Kardashian interplanetarian clan.

Huh? Phillip Morris Considers Giving Up Peddling Cigarettes

The company that sells Marlboro, Chesterfield and Parliament just officially announced it will strive for a smoke-free future. That’s as astounding as Donald Trump giving up getting rich, Rosie O’Donnell giving up excess eating or the Kardashians just giving up.

Of course, there’s a catch to the promised cigarette-free future. The big tobacco companies will get into hawking smokeless vaping, dripping and other ways that allegedly delay killer cancer’s arrival at throats and lungs for a couple of years. And even more obvious, the move is intended to continue the never-ending greed to make bucks on killer weeds. They’ll jump into the soon-to-be total legality of good, healthy marijuana.

Nonagenarian Prognosticator’s Predictions For 2018

In an attempt to unite the political parties, President Trump will appoint Hillary Clinton Secretary of War and Bill Clinton Secretary of Piece.

In a startling move, major universities will require student athletes to attend classes. However, they may not disturb fellow students there by wearing earphones while listening to multi-million-dollar offers from pro teams.

All pro athletes will show their patriotism by standing proudly on stacks of money during the playing of the National Anthem.

At the next Academy Awards, instead of the golden Oscar statuettes, producer and director winners will receive miniature casting couches.

The Kardashians will turn one of their Beverly Hills mansions into a nunnery and take vows of media silence and bedroom chastity.

Kim Jong-un will turn North Korea into a fantastic Disney park, featuring such friendly amusements as the It’s A Small Bomb, Spaced Out Mountain and Dumbo the Flying Dictator.

Staten Isl. NY: Male Deer Vasectomies Ordered

Now, in the autumn rutting season and the stags feel most horny, New York Mayor DeBlasio wants to take away their buckhood. He ordered a bunch of sharp-scissored veterinarians to roam the woods to hunt down and clip the stag ardor. The intent is to control the island’s overpopulated deer herds.

Hey, while they’re doing the stag slicing and dicing, maybe they should go beyond the woodland bucks and perform the surgery on some human buckaroos who may qualify for the same procedure. For example:

Kardashians: It would cut down on the never-ending annoying 24-7 publicity.
President Trump: While vets publicly desex stags, should The Donald be discouraged from grabbing handfuls of doe privates?
Bruce Jenner: Before he became Ms. Kaitlin, the former him had six kids with three hers.
Now beyond clipping, the late dicktator Fidel Castro had nine kids with five women.
Various other celebs who may qualify for sterilization: Charlie Sheen has five kids with three women, Clint Eastwood boasts seven kids with five mamas, Mike Tyson sired eight with five women, Bob Marley fathered 11 kids with seven women. And the champ of them all, boxer George Foreman has fathered 12 kids with five women.

Isn’t it about time they all were clipped by the vas deferens snippers?

News Item: Loud Dog Barks Removed Surgically

Neighbors complained that the ear-busting woofs kept them awake at night. So, a court order required the family with the bothersome dogs to have their vocal cords tied off. Of course, there are legal and humanitarian arguments on both sides of that drastic move.

However, if the order were extended to where it would do the most good, most of us would agree to vocal cord silencing of:

Rock star yappers and howlers
Big-mouthed winning and losing politicians
Little loud dictators with funny haircuts and big bombs
Your ever-yapping and snarling in-laws
TV commercials for phony medications
In-your-face on-line ads for overpriced gas guzzlers
Catty women meowers at the beauty shop
Smirking political experts on morning news shows
Everyone named Kardashian or married to one

Pew Survey: Seniors Don’t Wanna Live More Years

According to the respected research institute’s recent findings, only 4% of American seniors would want to live to age 120. Euuuuwwww, Pew! This 92-year-old scribbler does not agree at all! Those Pew beancounters should take another count!

Most seasoned citizens I’ve talked to recently would cherish those extra years to fulfill some ambitious bucket lists. The first response was that they’d like to spend more time with loved ones, as well as embark on exciting ventures by air, sea and land.

The list could include living long enough to see the Kardashians, Clintons and Trumps fade into blessed obscurity, watch the Boston Red Sox win another World Series and be in London to celebrate Queen Elizabeth’s 100th birthday jubilee.

Even more so, what senior wouldn’t want to attend Wayne Newton’s 90th annual Las Vegas on-stage performance? And, of course, spend $10,000 to watch 70-year-old Floyd Mayweather defend his world boxing crown against the women’s wrestling association champ.

Additionally, even if it seems forever just a dream, some advanced elders hope to survive long enough to see the end of war, crime, poverty and disease. We’d hope for rational, intelligent world leaders. Considering that two leading clowns of today are threatening mutual nuclear disaster, that wish may disappear into a large, black cloud.

Of course, to live that long could also cause some heartache. As Mel Brooks’ famous 2,000-year-old man once kvetched: I have hundreds of children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and great-great-grandchildren. And not one of them ever even picks up the phone to call me!

O.J. Simpson To Walk Free After 9 Years In Jail

He was acquitted in one of the most notorious murder trials in U.S. history in the 1990s. However, the former football star was later convicted and imprisoned for a strong-arm robbery in Las Vegas.

Now, after serving nine years in a minimum-security Nevada jail, within a couple of months, O.J. will walk free. Of course, the heavy suspicion that he killed his wife and her friend will never be lifted from his now 70-year-old shoulders.

As a parolee, it isn’t likely O.J. will need to stand in a bread line and spend nights sleeping on the street. He’s already swamped by speaker bookers and reality TV offers. At what could be $50k or more per performance, he can spend his sunset years in comfort.

Since the days of vaudeville when parent killer Lizzie Borden performed, other notorious people have made money on stage. Consider some of the current crop, including Sarah Palin, Al Gore, the Kardashians, Hillary and Bill Clinton. Soon O.J. will join them in the lucrative speech and TV racket.

Humor: How To Make A Lot Of Quick Money

Of course, to make a living, your parents told you to be successful you had to stay awake in school. Also be respectful, comb your hair and brush your teeth. Now in my 90s, I finally realize there are other much more effective ways to get rich. Here are some:

1. Get your sorry ass dragged off a United flight and hire a crooked lawyer.

2. Take a baby buggy aboard an American Airlines flight and get hit by attendant.

3, While innocently rioting in the streets and looting stores, get shot by a cop.

4. If a woman, entice a horny Bill: O’Reilly, Clinton and/or Cosby, hire a crooked lawyer and earn a lot of $10,000 Bills.

5. Write make-money-from-home scam ads with horrible English grammar and post online.

6. Dress up as a phony Disney character and panhandle on NYC’s Broadway or LA’s Hollywood Boulevard.

7. Put on a ragged old army uniform, hire a cute little kid and soulful dog. Look pitiful and beg in front of Trump Tower.

8. Marry a future president with billions of bucks and hire a crooked (is there any other kind?) divorce lawyer to get millions of bucks.

9. Get good at a school playground ballgame as a kid, better as a teen and then sign a major league contract for multi-millions of bucks.

10. Squawk angry gutter language into a mike and marry a Kardashian.

Parallel Universe Theory: Consider What Could Be

According British newspaper The Sun, what’s happening now on our planet could be similar to life on another one far, far away. Scientists insist that there are virtually countless other Earthlike globes.

Therefore, somewhere out there is a world almost, but not quite exactly, like ours. Expanding on that scientific theory, we can imagine:
President Hillary Clinton takes the oath of office as the first woman elected leader of the free world.
Donald Trump is sentenced to prison for cheating investors, running a phony university and wearing a funny hairpiece.
At Christmastime, the Three Wise Men bring presents to the wrong Madonna during one of her rock concerts.
The Kardashians go broke after the media ignores them, and all forced to live together in a homeless shelter.
Kanye West actually smiles in his barred asylum room.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie cancel their divorce and adopt 27 more kids, 12 cats, seven dogs and a camel.
Vladimir Putin is hired as a circus strongman, but retires after dropping a dumbell (John Kerry) on his foot.
Colin Koepernick decides to stand for the National Anthem, but instantly suffers brain damage when Tom Brady throws a deflated football at his head.
Anthony suffers a panic attack when he can’t find his shrunken wiener.